MY TOP 7 ALBUMS of 2013 (aka 'Yoncé All On His Mouth Like Liquor)!!! by #andRu?
My Top 7 Albumz of 2013 (post-Bey edition):
Barring a secret album at 11:59pm on Dec. 31 by Madonna that gives all the secrets of the universe in 4-D video form that has participation from Obama, the new Pope, and a snippet from Elvis singing Vogue he secretly recorded that only Madonna and Shep Pettibone had privy to (which I never put anything past Madonna or Elvis)…these would be my 7 albums that touched me most this year. :)
7. Katy Perry - PRISM.
Yes, normally I would not put a Katy album on any list…but I really did enjoy Roar, kinda, the first 2 million times I heard it. 2,000,001 jus got on my NERVES! lol.
Upon hearing the whole thing, Darkhorse and Walking on Air stood out, the tracks she released as promos, which got me excited for the album.
Darkhorse, the Juicy J trap stomper and Air, the almost La Bouche-90's dance track, weren't available to chart until PRISM's release due to their promo-only status (or something like that).
Pity, because upon listening to the whole album, I found most of the songs, with catchy lyrics about even mercury retrogrades (!), kinda basic, as my ex-fb friend Liam once described them to me.
He, a diehard Britney fan, didn't like that I wasn't immediately enthralled by the scent of Perfume…look, I may go crazy over artists, but I promise u this: I WILL NEVER BLINDLY SUPPORT MUSIC THAT DOES NOT ZING MY SOUL!!! NO MATTER IF IT'S MADONNA OR…METALLICA. IF I FALL MADLY IN LOVE WITH THE NEXT METALLICA OFFERING, U WILL KNOW!!! There are jus probabilities at work here. Ty.
6. Miley Cyrus - Bangerz.
When the girl who murdered Hannah Montana first cut her hair off, I remember commenting on fb, damn girl, P!nk called, she wants her look back (yeah, I went there, girl! What ya gonna do about it, call Mike Will Made It on me???! Unanswered question from 2013 for this reviewer: Wtf did Mike Will Make? Moreover, is it Mike-Will, Michael William, a Mic who is going to do something in the future?? If I cared enough, I'd google…)!
Still no music was out (I think) yet when Pharrell took his disco-reviving ass to Andy Cohen's clubhouse and explained what the deal was with the bob.
'She shaved off her fear…' he profoundly told the wild and zany Real Housewives-producer who almost shot off to the gay version of the moon (Im assuming there is one…or is that the sun??) when Oprah Winfrey told him, 'Man, u carry the light!' as she visited the clubhouse to promote her amazing (I'm told) movie The Butler (which I still have yet to see…I know, I know, but Im the Psychic Popstar, not the Merry Movie-goer, ok?).
Upon hearing the #2 smash We Can't Stop, which was prevented from the top spot this summer only because America prefers allusions to date rape thiiiiis much more than straight up cocaine and ecstasy references (remember, when she says no it means yes, but always, ALWAYS Just Say No!!), I was not immediately sold.
Wtf was this??? Was it dance, was it a ballad? I just did not get the music, personally. Wtf was she saying about a bathroom (keep in mind, this was from one listen to the radio edit)?
I flew to fb and railed against the light, only to be told off by apparently the Miley-version of Liam who reminded me that I was neither A: a psychic nor B: a popstar….I tried convincing him all would make sense in the future, but que sera sera…
The song eventually grew on me…and then I heard It. The mother of all post-Disney, non-Britney songs that could have been the darling of the Grammys had Twerkgate 2013 not consumed the media and the entire planet and possibly all life up to and including Pluto (but definitely no further…and ps, I jus talked to Pluto, and he is pissed at that sub-planet status thing, but I digress…).
Yes, to me, Wrecking Ball was one of the best songs of the year, if not the best song, had I not been a RuPaul fan in my early years (more on that later).
The video was a sensation and, yes, she makes out with a sledgehammer, and, yes, every time I see it I jus want to reach in the screen and wipe the spit off her mouth…and, yes, I do not believe her acting for a second (y'all)…but I really do think it's a touching song.
I bought Bangerz on the premise that most of that record would be, well, BANGIN'…and I enjoyed it at first. At first. The only thing bangin' in the end was a pencil against my head, confused as to what exactly was bangin' about Bangerz.
And confused what the hell SMS (Bangerz), the duet with Britney one reviewer said would likely make the internet implode (we're still here…and kicking), means. I have, in fact, googled the shit outta that one and all I can get is it could be about texting??? I would seriously like to know what that's about.
No, except for maybe 4x4, the most unlikely good song produced by Pharrell, featuring Nelly that actually makes country and hip hop come together, as opposed to making u want to claw ur eyeballs out à la Georgia Florida Line (or is it Florida Georgia Line?…either way I've never been prouder to be from the NC/SC line).
A couple listenable tunes, but in the end, I left Bangerz languishing alone, tho Wrecking Ball and lines about my old high school friend Molly (who sadly I haven't seen in a decade, really) keep that album overall one of my faves of the year.
5. Cher - Closer to the Truth.
I've never been a proper gay, it seems, and bought a Cher album that didn't introduce auto-tune to the world.
That said, I did enjoy the Believe record a lot and even remember owning some remixes to that, Strong Enough (which is really another version of Believe, if u think about it, lyrically…and another version of her 2013, um, hit Woman's World), and Dové L'amoré (aka La Isla Bonita 99).
When Cher announced she was coming out of retirement (can u call it retirement when u believe u are sending the world private messages in the form of emoji-drunk posts to fb and twitter daily?) and releasing a new album, I thought, cool. No one should be forced into retirement at any age if ur not ready.
They've dug Madonna's grave for her, expecting her to bellyflop in at a moment's notice, since she hitchhiked naked on the Miami highway. Looking back, it's quite amazing that it had nothing to do with Britney's head-shaving moment, tho the ensuing backlash that came from said hitchhike was quite similar.
Never one to have her 'ear-to-the-ground' (Cher's compliment to good ole Madge this year that started a firestorm with Gaga fans…because everyone knows no old diva is allowed to compliment another old diva after working with the newer diva on a beautiful track that will never be released as a single, even tho it may have been the biggest of their careers [look up The Greatest Thing, the 2013 anthem that wasn't]), Cher made predictable dance-cheese I found rather enjoyable, especially while assaulting the elliptical at the gym during my Return to Fitness Tour 2013 that lasted all of 4 weeks before succumbing to the flu and then a busted knee (yes, it's been a fun fourth quarter for the Psychic Popstar, health-wise).
My Love, Dressed to Kill, and, in the end, Woman's World (with its paper-maché wig-video that u couldn't tell if it cost 25 cents at the local newsstand or 25 grand by House of Mackie to make) all grew on me and really are good dance tracks.
I ran out of enough crackers in the end for that much cheese, but still appreciate those songs and will enjoy her Dressed to Kill Tour next year, barring the inevitable Armageddon this New Year's eve after I meet Britney Spears in Vegas (and Im not kidding about that one).
4. Lady Gaga - ARTPOP.
Ok, me and this chick have had more ups and downs than what I hear is the fastest roller coaster in the world in, what is it, Sandusky, Ohio??
Yeah, Gags…dear Gags. Where to begin?
Maybe it's with the dream I had after watching the Conjuring in the theater, probably the last movie Ill actually go to a theater to see (Im just much better on a couch or bed with a remote).
Right after seeing that true story of a Blair Witch-haunting Poltergeist in an Amityville house, I immediately lost my shit, having the only known actual tear on record in the new millennium stream down my cheek from sheer fear (update: have cried more in the last week listening to Bey than I can ever recall running from the bullies in elementary…more on that in a bit).
That night, I had the scariest nightmare in recent memory, having something to do with me not being able to change the Gaga cd playing and Mother Monster herself hovering over my bed, trying to kill me, a lot like the demon in the Conjuring.
Holy fuck, I remember waking up, it was just a dream. Gaga was not trying to kill me (or is she?).
Doesn't matter, I knew my dream subconsciously came from my utter, inexplicable dislike for the girl since her campaign began for what she again deemed to be the Greatest Album of All Time (since Born This Way didn't fit that bill, then OBVIS ARTPOP would).
Well, maybe I could explain it. Apart from all the hype, wtf did reverse-Warholian mean (now I get it, yet still don't see it)?
Wtf was up with that naked, crystal-hugging, vowel-chanting unsexy promo vid for Artpop inspired by Marina something, a spiritualist someone this psychic popstar still has never heard of in any of my circles?
Where WAS that scar from that supposed hip surgery that forced her to conveniently cancel her flailing Born This Way Ball??
What REALLY got me upset, however, was that pic she posted about on Twitter that was supposedly from Perez Hilton featuring Madonna pointing a gun at her in a wheelchair emblazoned with the word 'KARMA' across it ON MADONNA'S BIRTHDAY (so forever and ever this image would be associated with August 16).
'DAY OF MY ACCIDENT' she proclaimed the picture said, vying for our sympathy…seemingly blithely unaware that she had told us that she had a chronic condition, silently suffering in a pain that even her closest confidants didn't know about (yeah, right, bitch, Im sure if ur feet ache ur assistants know about it). What accident do u speak of when the need for this supposed surgery took place little by little over time??
I am many things, but one thing I've learned to detest is liars. It's a real big pet peeve.
I like to consider myself a fairly-smart individual.
It really, really irked my chain when Gaga admitted at first that Born This Way borrowed elements from Madonna's Express Yourself, then did the about-face she did and tried telling us the two had nothing to do with one another!!
The entire fucking world was jus tone-deef and she's an 'artist.' Artists do not steal chords!
Don't fuck with me. I don't ask much from people in this lifetime, but please don't fuck with me.
That, coupled with the awful feeling I had leaving her Monster Ball (trust me, all her fucking shows are the furtherest thing from a 'ball' in the flesh), simply made me not a fan anymore.
Then all these antics leading up to the release of Applause, ARTPOP's lead single, including the 'pop emergency' she declared when someone (probably herself) leaked the ego-anthem to the internet oh-so conveniently a week before schedule, so it jus HAD to compete for the top spot with Katy Perry's Roar.
The end result of that shenanigan proved there is a God(dezz) after all, with Gaga debuting at #4, Roar at #2, the country still not over obsessing, er, flirting with date rape yet.
Applause the video was another Madonna knock-off, with images from Human Nature to Girl Gone Wild, and the song was so completely unrelateable I don't see how anyone got into it at all.
The world took her strange reverse-psychology promo video to heart and was proclaiming Gaga really was 'over.'
A first review on the free-for-all critique site the Examiner claimed ARTPOP was one of the Worst Mistakes in Pop History (or something), even worse than Michael's Invincible, Prince's Lovesexy, and M's American Life (hold up, bitch, leave my shit alone!!).
I wasn't really expecting to even get into ARTPOP in the slightest (ok, deep down, I knew Gaga was a pretty good musician and I would end up liking some tracks off it after all), but I was really floored after I downloaded the illegal download I think even my aging grandmother in a home got a copy of…
Who, btw, is running her music-security, ESPECIALLY after what became the stealthiest move in modern pop music history, the Beyoncé experience (more in a mo')???
I mean, for real, is there anyone that didn't illegally download ARTPOP??
If ur from the FBI, ignore that last statement (please), but, incidentally, has anyone ever been arrested for illegally downloading music?? I mean, ever in history??
Giving the full album the car test, Aura didn't sound nearly as off-putting as the leak known as Burqa made it out to be…Venus sounded quite good upon a few listens…even Jewels and Drugs grew on me and I was sitting there in my car screaming, 'Don't want ur jewels, I want ur drugs! / Don't want ur money, want ur love!'
WTF???
That iTunes Festival had been a lie!!!
Well, almost, I still don't care much for the Jock Jams anthem MANiCURE, mainly because I don't like Toni Basil-Mickey beats à la Girlfirend from Avril Lavigne or even Give Me All Your Luvin' from Madonna, the one miss for me on otherwise the best album of 2012 (and one of my faves of all time).
If u had told me I would be enjoying the bulk, save Applause and MANiCURE, of ARTPOP, in all actuality I prolly would have believed u. I really dug the whole Fame era…
That I consider it to be one of the greatest albums of the year is the real stunner.
ALL that FUCKIN drama was forgiven. I don't care anymore; I see her as a poor, helpless, drug-addicted child and I really hope she doesn't end tragically as too many have in the past in the biz.
3. Britney Spears - Brtiney Jean.
Again, a roller coaster ride with this one. Been loving Britney from the get, I would like to say the moment I saw …Baby One More Time, but, strangely, as I do with a lot of my girls like the Spice Girls and even Madonna at first, I didn't care for her.
Silly shit, I thought, Im a raver, this music is dumb.
Then the Crazy video came out and I went cuckoo for pigtail puffs!!
Holy shit that video was hot, with the whole 'Stop!' breakdown thing!
Went with my ex (the good one, not the one who debated with me endlessly about how Mariah was better than Madonna, a lost cause if there ever was one) to the Crazy Tour and saw her lip-sync it out!
That girl could perform!!
Fast forward eight concerts I've attended, seven hit albums, 60 billion good videos, and one largely-televised breakdown later (look up MK Ultra…that's all I'll say about that can of worms), Britney was poised to bring us what her manager called 'her most personal record yet…her Ray of Light.' SWEET!!! I was down!!
'Don't think they ready for Album 8' a pic I made of Britney for my fb cover read.
Work Bitch came out and, bitch, I worked it out, dancing my ass off upon downloading the track illegally at my sushi-restaurant job for all to see.
Did not give a shit - this track compelled me to WERK, reminding me of the fun I had prancing to the early-90s classic that the song got its name from, RuPauls Supermodel (You Better Work).
Maybe I was the only person who had the maxi-single of that song and remembered RuPaul going 'You better work, BITCH!' on only one, un-radio friendly version?? They STILL won't say 'bitch' on the radio and the uninspiring 'Work Work' was unacceptable. WHY, WHY god didn't someone have the sense to call it 'Work Brit' on the radio and give that poor song a chance??
Still, it's my fave overall song of the year, I'd have to say (jus edging out or on par with everything on Beyoncé…more on that is coming!!).
I began hyping the shit outta what became curiously at first known as Britney Jean. It was gonna be amazing!!!
Perfume, a Sia-penned song (the writer of the glorious Diamonds by Rihanna and ubiquitous Titanium Sia herself sang with David Guetta), was to be the next single and some executive said it could be a real 'game-changer' for Britney. Game-changer?? Ray of Light? SO EXCITED!!!
Then I heard Perfume.
Um. What was this???
She's actually singing with no auto-tune??
And, um, kinda badly.
And wtf is this song about?? U want to leave ur Perfume on him so some girl will smell it on him?? Is he cheating on u or not?? Why are u putting up with that?
The video ended up being pedestrian Britney fare, and the song plummeted, as had Work Bitch, which amazingly to me only made it to #12 (shoulda waited to compete with that shit, Gags, ha!).
The album became her worst-selling to date, debuting at an incredibly low #4, selling less than Katy, Miley, and Gags (and I think maybe Cher??). It was incredible.
But, apparently, according to an article I read, she's still on lockdown from that meltdown and doesn't even get on the internet (again, if u really wanna know what's going on in the world, look up MK Ultra or the Illuminati, which is not an entirely bad entitity I've realized, ps, on youtube or the interwebs).
Alien, a William Orbit (of Ray of Light fame)-produced song, was quite good.
Unfortunately, he did not produce the bulk of Britney Jean, that was left up to Will.i.am, the man everyone wishes would get 200 yards from all Britney projects from now on, even tho I thoroughly still enjoy Scream & Shout and had no problem with the thumping Big Fat Bass from Femme Fatale.
I even really like It Should Be Easy, his duet with Brits on BJ, as well as stompers Body Ache and Til It's Gone, the only real miss on the record being that AWFUL duet with her little sis, Jamie Lynn.
Britney Jean was not her most personal album, or maybe it was. Can a robot have a personality???
Even with all of its shortcomings and her possible cyborg-status, I love my Britney. Always will.
I won't be afraid to lose friends who don't understand how bad Perfume is…how it should have been regulated to a commerical-only position for one of her billion fragrances, but I have a soft spot in my heart for good times bonding with the ex…and good times that will be had when I am front row to her Vegas show Dec. 30 of this year.
Robot or no, I love her music.
Ps, if u see me on the news for trynna get Britney away from her handlers when I do the meet-n-greet with her in Vegas, I am acting purely out of love, not out of an attempt to get on the news.
2. Madonna - MDNA.
I know what ur thinking.
Andru, come ON, that one is LAST year, u can't say that's one of ur faves from THIS year jus because u want Madonna on the list.
But, haha, when she released the dvd of arguably the best artistic statement any female artist has ever achieved onstage, the MDNA Tour (which I had second row to and nearly lost my shit after being tagged by her people on HER fb last year), she released an accompanying live CD.
And I would rather listen to her MDNA opus on repeat in my car than almost any other album this year.
She's the Queen, always will be, there will never be another.
1. Beyoncé.
Well, there might be another Queen.
Madonna is Queen A(ndr.u?…heehee) and we already have a Queen Bey.
Beyoncé Knowles has never inspired anything other than general like the whole of her career for me, as long as Miss Spears'.
Never had a roller coaster with her; never hated on her because she is a very well-mannered Southern girl (what is it with New Yorkers and breaking social norms?), but I never jumped up and down to purchase her music, however, either.
I have always admired her ability to SLAY onstage every time (not unlike Madonna) and, looking back, seemed to really dig one or two tracks from all of her previous albums.
I remember getting into Bills Bills Bills and Jumpin Jumpin a lot when she was with Destiny's Child; again I get nostalgic when I hear them today with memories of the good ex.
Survivor gets me goin' to this day, too - it really is an anthem of empowerment.
Crazy in Love is hot, its horns also get me, and Flaws and All, from the B'Day album, really, really speaks to me, especially when she sings it live and ON CUE lets a tear drip from her eye. I can't even cry when Im feeling suicidal (update: apparently I jus have to hear the right Bey songs to cry…and Listen from Dreamgirls has become my new theme song).
Single Ladies, liked it a lot, again the first 100 billion times I heard it (101 billion, I think, was after that Kanye debacle and she handled that like a true Queen).
However, my very favorite pre-Beyoncé Beyoncé song is Lose My Breath, the lead single from the last album she did with Destiny's Child.
That track, with its powerful synths and overall daring wartime dance-battle feel and video, was performed at some football game and I jus remember thinking, OMFG! Look at them go!!
When they disappeared into the ground, those hot, hot synths tooting their departure as they struck a pose, I wanted to jump out of my seat and start playing football! Don't know how I forgot about that song until an angel recently reminded me of it.
Still, that classic can never be compared to what may very well end up being my favorite album of all time.
Jury's still out (update: no it's not), and I say that a lot (I KNOW!! But I think Im for real this time), but besides Beyoncé's secret sneak-attack assault on the music industry by not doing ANY promo for the record, and ably keeping the whole project under wraps, despite working with a Who's Who of producers and talent in the world of r&b and hip hop (seriously, u worked with everyone under the sun, and no one told anyone ANYTHING about it, and Gaga apparently can't stop a horrible version of her album-opener or the entire fuckin record from leaking all over the internet like digital wildfire??? Something SERIOUSLY smells fishy here…), the music is actually some of the best music this listener has ever heard. Definitely the most cohesive.
It's like her entire life, her entire career, led up to this moment.
As I try to explain to people that we are now in a world where there can be two Queens, Madonna and Bey, who do not infringe on each other's power, who do not take from each other, who do not steal from each other, but jus love one another…and these Queens are jus as good at what they do AS each other…people are thinking Ive gone off the deep end, smoked too much meth as if this were 2003, and lost all sense of objectivity.
My one question to every person who apparently doesn't ever buy anything on iTunes (hey, I illegally download, but if I like it, I'll spend my money on it…and besides, Beyoncé's smart ass was keen enough to make it available only iTunes anyway, so u couldn't find an illegal download of the whole thing) is: HAVE U WATCHED THE ALBUM YET???
Yes, I said it right, WATCHED THE ALBUM.
Let that sink in.
We are so trained like monkeys by record execs, accustomed to having a single come out, waiting for the video after getting used to the single, getting sick of the single and wanting the album to come out as the artist may or may not do a litany of live performances and promo interviews.
Check: Gaga's label spent $25 million on her promotion and she performed everywhere that wasn't a roadside fruit stand, doing interview after interview, AGAIN bringing up Madonna, all for publicity, while Britney did a few interviews and I think I will be among the first people on the planet to actually watch her perform Work Bitch live when I see her in Vegas. The end result?? 100,000 copies. Gaga only sold 100,000 copies the first week more than Britney, and both albums are now seen as failures (guess whatever album 4 from Gags will be will ACTUALLY be the Greatest Album of All Time).
When Beyoncé dropped 14 songs and 17 videos in one fell swoop upon the world without any fair warning, social media lit up like a Christmas tree and she became the most-talked about social media event EVER, beating out Sharknado (which I still haven't seen…told u, me and movies….oh shit, that one was made for tv! DOH!).
And I was SO CLOSE to going to her show in DC, where she proclaimed to the audience, 'You will remember tonight 20 years from now as the week I sold 1,000,000 copies in one week…' (worldwide…the official total was almost 700,000 copies in one week in the US…is she on to something by releasing 17 videos at once??).
And these aren't jus videos, my friend. They are 17 REALLY REALLY REALLY FUCKIN GOOD videos.
Maybe most genius are my two favorite moments on the record (I think…it's SO hard to choose): the video Ghost precedes Haunted in the video collection…as does Yoncé precede Partition. On the album, however, Ghost the song is PART of Haunted, as Yoncé is part of Partition. That's why there are 14 songs, but 17 videos, with the bonus video for Grown Woman (that Pepsi commercial song we saw Beyoncé do a retrospective of her career in…that now I see was totally prepping us for this monumental event…as her entire CAREER was prepping us for this album). It makes sense only to those who have seen it.
Im not going to gush on and on about this shit. I have already done that by making cover and profile pics with matching lyrics - some of the best lyrics I have literally ever heard a popstar utter - on my fb page. Scroll thru if u like. Let it sink in.
If Armageddon does not come to pass after the New Year, this towering event from Queen Bey will be studied and praised for years and years to come, and she has given all artists a pattern to follow that really will free them from having to ever kneel before radio again.
Without promoting a single, the fans can decide for themselves what they like. And, plus, where would u start with 14 songs that outshine nearly everything that's hit the Hot 100 this year???
Ill close with the theory that apparently I am the only person on the planet to have (update: still the case).
Madonna had her secretprojectrevolution about freedom for artists.
Beyoncé created one of the most freeing artistic statements from any popstar, a secret project.
Beyoncé blessed Madonna's child Mercy James with a kiss at her concert the night I discovered the awesomeness of the Beyoncé experience (and, lord, let's not attribute any higher power to that).
Im jus saying if u think the thing Madonna was 'most proud of' in her career was a rinky-dink (but important) 17-minute film no one saw that she used to conduct a few guerilla-like art installments in various cities around the world, then u don't know the Material Girl, or the Queen Bey, at all.
I do, and I am so fuckin glad this year turned out the way it did. Xo
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